The following was transcribed from an analytical session between Dr. Seymour Muffinstein (Ph.D. in Abnormal Psychology, Germantown University, Columbus, OH) and Atascadero State Hospital patient #6736, Milton “Snappy” Drake, on 8.22.58, 8:16 a.m.
DSM: Would you describe your childhood as being a happy one?
MSD: Yeah. The part of it I can remember.
DSM: And which part can you not?
MSD: I don’t know. A lot of things after I was twelve are fuzzy. Like I had a stocking over my face or something.
DSM: What does the term “Hard and fast and middle up” mean to you? An orderly reported you saying that repeatedly in your sleep.
MSD: Well, it’s a good way to start pitching a tough hitter. To knock Henry Aaron back off the plate, for instance.
DSM: And the reason you would repeat that in your sleep?
MSD: My father may have said it to me once…I need to think about it…
DSM: Are you now, or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party?
MSD: Hell no.
DSM: When did you first have problems containing your rage?
MSD: That’s a pretty loaded question, Doc. Unless someone gets me mad and I have to smack a bunch of sense into him, I’d say I’m a pretty calm guy.
DSM: Do the fans at Seals Stadium ever “get you mad”?
MSD: Only the stupid and annoying ones.
DSM: What about the San Francisco Giants?
MSD: Antonelli is a jerk, Stan Spence could be a homo, and I won’t drink with Cepeda and Gomez again, but otherwise no.
DSM: And how about the way they play?
MSD: They’re doing the best they can. At least they’re in the stinkin’ race.
DSM: If Rigney plugged Giel into the rotation and sat McCormick, would you say they have a better chance to catch Milwaukee?
MSD: (unintelligible response)
DSM: Do you need me to rephrase the question?
MSD: I’m not a bookie, Doc. Let’s stick to discussing me. And anyway, (in loud whisper) I’d be just as worried about the Cubs if I were you.
DSM: Would you consider your lady friend Liz Dumás a substitute for your mother?
MSD: Why, because they’re both loony birds? I would say no to that. None of my 48 lady friends have ever pinch-hit for my mother.
DSM: What is your saddest childhood memory?
MSD: The movie projector breaking down when I was in a theatre watching some Little Rascals movies.
DSM: And how did that make you feel?
DSM: Pretend I’m a man who comes to your front door. I’ve just told you that I’ve stolen the wheels off your car, gotten you fired, proposed to your girlfriend and written a damaging letter about you to President Eisenhower. What would your response be?
MSD: I know you want me to say I would rip out your entire spine and strangle you with it, but I won’t give you that satisfaction. It’s more likely I would kill you on the spot.
DSM: Do you like the length of my beard?
DSM: Should I trim the bottom? Or maybe mutton chops would suit you—
DR. CHISHOLM (bursts into the room with nurse): Seymour! Leave this nice patient alone! I’m sorry, Mr. Drake, was he bothering you?
MSD: Is that the next question?
DR. CHISHOLM (motions for a nurse to inject Dr. Mufffinstein with a sedative): Seymour frequently dons a lab coat and pretends he’s a doctor. We’ve been trying to keep tabs on him but sometimes he pays patients “house calls”. Come along now, Seymour…I’ll take back Mr. Drake’s file now. That’s right…
(The door slams shut.)
MSD: Does this mean I don’t get those pancakes??
CIN 000 012 000 – 3 7 1
S.F. 000 310 10x – 5 10 0
W-Gomez L-Lawrence HRS: Crowe, Cepeda GWRBI-Cepeda
I miss my boys. Gomez handles the tough Redleg lineup and the Baby Bull comes back to life with a big homer and double. If they don’t let me out by the time the Braves get to town I’m tunneling under the wall.
PIT 100 000 110 – 3 9 1
CHI 300 020 50x – 10 12 0
W-Phillips L-Raydon HRS: Stuart, Marshall, Walls, Tanner GWRBI-Marshall
The Wrigley Guns of August keep booming. Journeyman outfielder Jim Marshall comes over from Baltimore, and in his first at bat for the Cubbies puts a game-deciding homer into the bleachers. Chuck Tanner’s 3-run pinch homer off Blackburn in the 7th puts this one out of reach, and Chicago closes to a half game behind the idle Braves. One more with the sinking Bucs before they host the Phillies in for a Sunday double dip.
PHI 000 000 014 – 5 6 0
STL 000 301 000 – 4 11 0
W-Farrell L-Paine SV-Meyer HRS: B.G. Smith, Moon, Musial GWRBI-Anderson
There are three certainties in life: winter snow, spring flowers, and this Cardinal team losing atrociously following a blowout win.The usual suspects are here: Sad Sam Jones pitches great for seven innings, then falls apart at the end. After he walks Lopata and Post to start the 9th (with a 4-1 lead) Phil Paine enters with his trusty flamethrower, walks two more guys and lets Harry Anderson clear the bases with a triple. This offsets the three solo homers St. Louis hit earlier, and makes them pay for the four double plays they grounded into.
CHX 003 000 000 – 3 6 0
NYY 200 001 001 – 4 8 0
W-Larsen L-Pierce HRS: Howard, Skowron GWRBI-Skowron
Billy Pierce nearly wins his eighth in a row to cut New York’s lead down to six, but can’t quite do it. See, unlike the White Sox who hit singles, the Yanks hit home runs. Elston ties it with one in the 6th, Moose wins it in the 9th with another.
CLE 002 040 030 – 9 13 0
BOS 320 101 001 – 8 14 1
W-McLish L-Brewer HRS: Colavito, Doby, Jensen-2 GWRBI-Jackson
Thrilling slugfest from start to finish, won on a Randy Jackson pinch single in the 8th. Earlier, the Rock hits HR #32 and Doby goes yard for the second straight day. The top four spots in Boston’s lineup get aboard fourteen of twenty times and it still doesn’t help.
DET 000 020 100 – 3 9 1
BAL 000 001 03x – 4 7 2
W-Harshman L-Foytack SV-Wilhelm HR: Robinson GWRBI-Robinson
The Birds brain the Tigers for the second day in a row, winning late this time on a Brooks Robinson homer of the foul pole. They just won’t chirp away, will they?
K.C. 000 000 020 – 2 9 2
WAS 300 000 00x – 3 6 0
W-Ramos L-Urban SV-Hyde HR: Lopez GWRBI-Sievers
The Senators are now just ten back of the A’s in the loss column, and notch their 40th win before the A’s can get their 50th. I guess that counts as something.
National League through Friday, August 22
American League through Friday, August 22